It’s Lonely at the Top: Why Charity Leaders Need Support Too (and what to do)

It's 2pm, and you’re procrastinating. Again. The difficult conversation coming up tomorrow, you need to plan for it and there's literally no one you can talk to about it. Your partner tries to understand but can't. Your team looks to you for answers, and you can’t talk to them about this anyway. And your board? Well, that's part of the problem. Leadership isn’t like you thought it would be, you thought you’d all be in it together, but you’re surrounded by people, and you’ve never felt more alone. 

The Reality 

I don’t think there has been a lonelier time for charity leaders. Money is tighter, jobs are bigger, and everyone is more stretched. This can only compound the feeling leaders have that they need to be an expert in everything, have the answers for everyone, feel like they have to protect their already overworked teams, and that there’s no one to talk to. Feeling it’s their job to cope no matter what. And whilst some of the leaders I work with have supportive, mutually respectful relationships with their boards, the vast majority feel they have nowhere to turn to for support. 

But is it any wonder when only 33% of charity leaders have an annual appraisals (and only 16% in small charities). Since the pandemic and the increase in working from home, 44% of leaders are feeling lonelier than ever, and nearly 50% feel like it might be time for them to leave the sector. 

And so, it remains the elephant in the room we’re not talking about. It’s accepted that leaders will work full pelt, with minimal support. Keeping your head down and keeping on is the sector norm.   

What This is Really Costing You 

When you’re feeling alone, and the support you really need is elusive, it impacts on you and ripples out to those around you. 

You notice the sleepless nights, the waking at 3am with the problems of the day swirling around. By not having someone to talk to, you’re left ruminating, finding it harder to gain perspective and find the resolutions you’re happy with. This in turn makes it difficult to switch off, leave work at work. 

And whilst on the inside you’re wondering if you have what it takes, doubting yourself, and stressing about the to-do list, what your team actually sees, is you holding it all, getting everything done, never asking for help, always saying yes, and they feel that is the expectation of leadership. That asking for help isn’t an option, and in turn doubting themselves. Afterall, if you can do it, they should be able to. 

Which may be why the sector has these expectations of pushing through, why so often we hear, “the sectors tough, that’s just how it is” and burnout is at crisis point. 

When It's All On You 

But in a sector which cares so much, it can seem strange that this has become the norm, but if we take a step back, it’s perhaps less surprising. Those who lead charities are in this game because they want to make a difference, the purpose is important (it’s not just a job) and because they care deeply.  

This last aspect is particularly important, the leaders I work with typically tell me they want to look after and protect their teams, this often shows up as not delegating (so they don’t add to their teams’ already long to-do lists), always being responsive (so their teams get support), to answering questions, instead of asking them (see support) and not sharing their own struggles, challenges or asking for help (so as to not overwhelm them). So, by wanting to protect teams, we end up in a position where there isn’t the culture to say we’re struggling, to ask for help, to be vulnerable. 

Then there is the tricky subject of supervision and one to ones for CEOs (and much of this will apply to other leadership positions). Whilst the board may facilitate regular(ish) one to ones, these may be more focused on the operational needs of the organisation, strategic &  day-to-day work, with little time or space left for your wellbeing and development.  

This can mean that even as you lead a charity you find yourself trying to prove your capability and confidence to lead well, do everything, and no safe space to share your doubts, or areas you need to develop (because we all have these after all, none of us are perfect). 

The support you need is rarely an answer, or a decision made on your behalf, it’s a sounding board, someone to reflect with, to explore your thought process with, to gain the perspective you need to make good strategic decisions.  

So, the answer to your feeling of loneliness isn’t to network more, to see more people: it’s having quality connections. A network of trusted individuals who get it, and who can support you  

 Building Your Squad 

One person is unlikely to be able to hold all the roles you need to give you the support you truly need, we all have different strengths after all. So, here’s my suggestion of the 4 people you really need, and the one you don’t. 

1. The one who’s got your back – the one who you know you can call when you’re in a spin, who you can share anything with, and they won’t judge. They probably go back to your early days in the sector. 

2. The one who lifts you up – this is the person who pulls you out of the pits, they help you see the good, what’s going well, and most importantly they help you balance that optimism with realism. 

3. The one who challenges you – the straight talker who’s not afraid to call you out, sugar coat it, or ask the difficult questions. They help you see what you can’t on your own. 

4. The no skin in the game – this is your truly objective confidant, they don’t try to solve anything, they don’t lead you in any particular direction. They help you explore whatever you need to explore to get the job done. 

5. The reinforcer – this is the person who sympathises, who will listen as you complain, and let you sit in the funk of frustration. And whilst we all want sympathy time to time, this won’t help you find a resolution or move forward, beware of the downwards spiral of complaint. 

Getting the support 

First things first, is your one-to-one working for you? Make sure this is scheduled regularly, and rearranged if you're sick or on leave. Make sure the agenda works for you, does it cover you, as well as the work? 

What support do you need? Are you clear about what you’re doing & where you’re taking the charity. Do you need to explore to problem solve? Do you need to focus on your wellbeing? Or is it a combination of all of these. You need to be clear what you need before you can ask for it. 

Outside of your one-to-ones, find your squad (they're out there!). Identify which relationships lift and energise you (and which don’t) and consider which existing formal and informal networks you can explore. 

Quick wins 

1. Map your network - Find a quiet 10 minutes, a cuppa, and grab a pen and paper. Draw or write your name in the centre, and then start to add key work relationships around you. For each relationship, rate the state of it from 1-10; ask yourself how would it benefit you to improve it? (e.g. emotional support, practical support, improve working practice) &what one action could you take to move it up by one point? 

2. Who can you arrange an in-person or zoom coffee with before Christmas? 

3. What one task can you ask for help with this week? 

Remember you were never meant to do this alone; collaborating, asking for help & showing vulnerability is not only ok, but also essential to being a good leader, as it allows others do the same. And if you feel it's time to find someone with no skin in the game to be in your corner, book a call to see how I can help.