Why self-care isn’t about saying no; it’s about saying yes.
I had an interesting conversation with a pair of brilliant women this week about self-care, and how the pervading view may have come to mean saying no to things we don’t want to do in order to be kind to ourselves. But as a result, we are becoming increasingly isolated, and missing out on things which may give us joy. We wondered has this version of self-care gone too far, and become damaging, or is this simply the result of us working and living in an overwhelming world?
When work is stressful, emotionally draining and at times moves at a million miles an hour, as it does for those working in the charity sector, is it any wonder at the end of a long day all you want to do is go home, zone out, possibly with your drink of choice to unwind? Invariably this routine will involve the easiest food possible (cooking from scratch is another chore on the long list of things you’ve done today) and will likely end up with some mindless TV (hello Bridgerton), and endlessly scrolling Instagram or Tiktok. Whilst you try to give your brain a chance to switch off by not doing something taxing, you end up overstimulating yourself, making the wind down to sleep even harder.
I get it, at the height of my charity career I was pulling long days, mid-pandemic, with a toddler. Finding the energy or space for more than a hot bath is incredibly difficult, we are primed to save our energy and do what is easy. In fact, I asked my LinkedIn network earlier this week what they prioritise as self-care and 50% responded that they focus on chilling out. And I agree with them, there is a real importance for giving ourselves time and space to rest and recuperate. But this isn’t the only way we can re-energise ourselves.
This conversation made me wonder if we’ve forgotten what self-care really is. If we’ve come to a collective decision that it should always feel easy, and nice? I wonder if we’ve started to use self-care as an excuse to say no?
Self-care or a sign of burnout?
One of the tell-tale signs that things are getting on top of me, and many of the people I work with, is that I start to withdraw. This means less plans to go out, cancelling things I know I’d enjoy, craving time alone, because I don’t have the energy or the emotional capacity to do the thing I have planned, or which I’ve been invited to. Of course, if you’ve had a string of long days, some down time is exactly what you need - you need to rest. But if you find yourself saying no more often than usual, or more often than you say yes, it could be a sign you’re already a fair way down the pathway to burnout. In fact, Freudenberger’s seventh stage of burnout (of which there are twelve): withdrawal, which is all about shutting yourself off from relationships, minimising your social life, conversations only being about work, secluding yourself and finding unhealthy ways to escape.
So, what is self-care?
When I googled self-care, I was inundated with images of baths, spa-days; images which told me to relax, that I’m “enough”. Memes telling me to take a step back, set boundaries, put myself first, spend time alone, to forgive myself and spend time at home. And to be honest as an introvert this all sounds very appealing, and more importantly, easy. These things sound like optional extras which sound like they’d be nice to do for ourselves, not essentials.
But I’d argue self-care is fundamental to our wellbeing and might not be the things you’d expect. If we look at the science of positive psychology, which aims to understand and share the concepts which enable us to flourish & thrive (in other words be happy, content and resilient), saying no, and spending time alone isn’t the whole picture. In fact, there are other factors which are much more important. And I hate to break it to you, but they’re not always easy, or the things we might want to choose to prioritise when we’re stressed, tired or overwhelmed and may push us out of our comfort zone.
Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, argues there are 5 key areas which help us be happy, and where I’d argue we need to focus our self-care:
Positive emotions – sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Making sure we do things which make up happy is going to make up happy. But this isn’t just about doing things which make us happy, it’s about making sure we’re paying attention to anything, big or small, which creates a positive feeling, so happiness of course, but also joy, pleasure, satisfaction, contentment, achievement, thankfulness etc.
Flow – doing those activities you get so absorbed in then you lose all sense of time; where you’re so focussed on what you’re doing you’re not even thinking.
Connection – being with people, specifically those we have positive, supportive relationships is essential.
Meaning – spending our time doing things which are or with people who are meaningful to us.
Accomplishment – doing things which stretch us, which challenge us, and which give us a sense of achievement, purely for the sake of the achievement (not for any greater purpose).
I’d argue that instinctively we know these things are good for us, it’s not rocket science after all, but I know well they are not the things we might choose to do, even if we know it’ll do us good.
How often do you:
Spend your evening reading your phone instead of talking to your family
Binge Netflix instead of spending the afternoon learning a new skill
Dive straight into your day instead of practicing mindfulness
Ruminate on the mistake you made, instead of thinking about the good things in your day
Instead of saying yes to the things which will nourish us, we say no, and declare it self-care because we’re being gentle on ourselves, by taking the easy option. And as we do this time and time again, they become the norm, not the exception. We deplete our resilience, and by the time we realise we need to make a change, it feels impossible to change the pattern we find ourselves in.
Is it time you start saying yes to yourself?