Setting healthy boundaries and what to do if they’re crossed.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is hard right?
How many times have you felt like the boundary was clear, but someone still pushed or crossed it?
How many times have you let go of your boundary to please someone else?
For many of us, we learnt early on that our needs were secondary, that other’s people’s needs come before our own, and this makes articulating our boundaries and maintaining them all the more challenging. Not so hard with someone who respects boundaries, but nearly impossible with those who don’t.
This can manifest in us trying to maintain our boundaries in ways which are unlikely to be successful.
We might passively allow the boundary crossing to happen, not sharing that we have an issue; aggressively confronting the boundary crossing; passively-aggressively acting out how we feel, but not staying it – we expect people to know they’ve crossed a boundary from how we behave without telling them to avoid confrontation or use manipulation to get someone else to feel guilty so they do what we want them to
These may seem negative, but they are simply ways we learn to get others to do what we want them to do, to varying degrees of success. The result is that we are not communicating our needs clearly or directly, meaning that it’s much harder for us to address the issue and maintain our boundaries.
So what can we do about this? Well, the answer is setting boundaries assertively.
This means
saying no to things you don’t want to do
telling people how their behaviour impacts you
Sharing your thoughts honestly
Telling the person you have an issue with directly
Being clear about your expectations
But this can be scary – actually saying what we want and need makes us vulnerable, it may risk confrontation, it may lead to rejection.
So here are five steps to make it a little easier:
Be clear and specific about the boundary
State your need directly – not just what you don’t want them to do. Don’t apologise or explain
Use “I want...”, “I need...”, “I expect...” statements.
3. Managing the difficult feelings when you set the boundary.
This is the reason we don’t set boundaries clearly, we might feel guilt, fear, sadness, remorse or awkwardness.
At this point treat yourself with compassion, remind yourself that its necessary and healthy to have boundaries, how you feel is ok and natural, speak to yourselves with soothing words, give yourself a hug or do something kind for yourself.
4. Be consistent with upholding your boundary, for example say no! If we’re inconsistent with a boundary, others don’t know we’re serious or its important to us.
5. Restate your boundary when needed
Others will push our boundaries to try to get their needs met, to get their own way, and when we start to set boundaries and hold them more closely we might experience others
Pushing back by ignoring what you’ve said
Testing the limits by trying to do what they want without you noticing
Challenging your boundary and its validity
Becoming defensive and justifying their behaviour
Stop talking to you
If your boundary is crossed then you need to respond immediately by
Restating your boundary
Correct the crossing there and then
Decide not to take their response to you personally – you are well within your rights to maintain your boundary
Treat yourself with compassion if you experience any difficult emotions
This may take practice. Start by verbalising your boundaries with those you trust.
If there are individuals who often push or cross your boundaries prepare how you are going to share your boundaries with them, and how you will respond when they push them.
If there are individuals who can’t respect your boundaries consider what action you will take if they continue to cross them.
Finally, never forget , its always ok to say no.