Your Inner Critic and how the three elements of self-compassion can help you tame it.
When was the last time you said something kind to yourself?
When was the last time you beat yourself up because you made a mistake, said something you felt was stupid, forgot something?
That voice that turns up throughout the day, perhaps so frequently that they feel like a permanent fixture. Perhaps you believe whatever they say to you? Perhaps they speak to you in a way you’d never speak to a friend, or any other person, who was in the same position. Does that sound familiar? Perhaps the critic even speaks the words out loud, to the people you’re with.
That voice has probably been there for a long time, since you were a child. And whilst they don’t seem that nice, they’re there trying to keep you safe. Trying to make sure that you don’t make mistakes, even though none of us are perfect. Trying to make sure the bite is taken out of other people’s criticism because it says it first. Making sure you stay part of the group as you put yourself down and be submissive to others.
Let me introduce you to your inner critic.
Close you eyes for a moment, and think about the last time the critic turned up.
What was happening when it showed up?
What were you doing?
How were you feeling?
What did it say?
What words did it use?
How did it say it?
Now, can you see it?
What shape is it?
What colour is it?
What size is it?
Can you touch it?
Does it have a name?
You might be thinking, slow down Alex, this is a bit out there. What’s the point of this?
If we notice what the critic is saying, when they’re showing up, we can start to see the pattern. How they’re trying to keep you safe. We can start to think about how to nurture compassion. By naming you critic, by imagining them, you can create distance and objectivity.
I know this works. It's worked for my clients, and it's worked for me.
Meet Steve, my critic. Steve used to show up a lot; when I was procrastinating; when I thought I’d said something stupid; when I didn’t say anything; when i didn’t do the things that i knew were good for me.
Now, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m a work in progress, Steve still shows up from time to time. But, I’m much better at understanding what Steve is up to. And I’m much better at approaching Steve and myself with compassion and kindness.
So what did I (and my clients) do about Steve (or Cruella, as one client named her critic). Well, once we’d noticed them, and described them, we thought about why they showed up. And then we started to use tools and interventions which fall into the three elements of self-compassion
Self-Kindness – treating ourselves gently and kindly, without judgement
Human Connection – understanding that our pain is shared, and isn’t unique.
Mindfulness – Holding our pain in a balanced way, neither exaggerating it or minimising it.
We need to work on all three of these areas to develop self-compassion, one alone won’t do the job. Together they help you feel connected, see your challenges in a more objective way, and then treat yourself gently, enabling you to support yourself in these moments.
As we listened to Steve, and Cruella, as we started to remember we weren’t alone in our distress, as we started to hold these experiences more mindfully, as we started to speak to ourselves and the critics with kindness they didn’t need to show up so often. They didn’t need to keep us safe anymore.
Over the next week I’ll be sharing some ways you can cultivate each of these elements on Instagram and here on the blog.