You can’t heal what you can’t feel. Why you need to soothe instead of numb
It’s tempting to push down, supress and ignore those thoughts and emotions which feel negative, difficult or challenging. It makes sense that we don’t want to feel or hear these things, as a species we’re driven by our desire for pleasure, what feels good, what makes us happy.
Yet we all have a negativity bias; were sensitive to the negative around us. From an evolutionary perspective it makes sense to pay attention to those things which might indicate we’re in danger; ultimately it keeps us safe.
But this protective mechanism has stayed with us, and we use it constantly. We can find ourselves in a pattern of latching on to the negative thoughts, and ruminating over and over. Reinforcing the thought or emotion. Women are more likely to ruminate than men; and its often fuelled by emotions such as fear, shame and inadequacy.
When we experience these thoughts and feelings, it can be tempting for us to numb them and ourselves, hiding away from them.
This is common in the women I work with, and they ‘know’ the things which are good for them, they ‘know’ the practices they should be using to support their wellbeing; but they find themselves stuck in patterns of behaviour which numb them, leaving them disconnected from their emotions and their bodies:
Comfort eating
Binging Netflix
Scrolling Instagram
Drinking a little more than they’d like with dinner
When we suppress these thoughts or emotions, they become amplified. When we use self-compassion to approach these emotions and thoughts they become less intrusive, and less likely to interfere with your day.
I’ve been working with a client, let’s call her Mary, since the beginning of the year. Mary had done the healing she needed to do in therapy, but felt disconnected from her emotions, she was constantly in her head, arguing with her inner critic, debating, and telling herself the things she needed to hear to feel better. But it wasn’t landing. She wasn’t feeling what she needed to feel. And so, her attempts to be compassionate with herself weren’t working.
Our work together has been focussed on creating a safe space, where she can start to focus on the emotions she’s feeling now, connect with them, embody them and let them pass. She started the year feeling detached, she’s now feeling her emotions when they arise. She’s identified what numbs her, and what soothes her instead. She’s starting to be able to make choices which serve her when these emotions and thoughts come up.
4 steps to connecting your emotions and body
To do this work yourself you need to be gentle to yourself, and you need to feel safe. You also need to practice, practice, practice. You will gradually find yourself more connected to these emotions, and better able to soothe yourself.
Safety – remember a time when you felt peaceful, at ease, safe. Take some time remembering where you were, what you could see, hear, touch, smell. Connect with those positive feelings, and try to locate where you feel this in your body. Practice bringing yourself to this place. You will always have this available to yourself whenever you need it.
Notice – start to pay attention to when difficult thoughts and emotions come up for you. Read more here.
Sit – when you are somewhere that feels safe and private, you can start to connect with these emotions and by embodying them, you can move out of your head and feel them. You will want about 20 minutes to do this. Remember to go gently, don’t force yourself to feel anything, and remember the safe place you can take yourself back to.
Sit or lay comfortably
Where are you feeling this in your body?
What sensations are you feeling at this point in your body? You may only feel numbness. Place a hand on this point.
What is the sensation like? Does it move? Is it solid?
Can you identify the emotion?
Send yourself compassion, use gentle, reassuring words. For example, I know these is difficult, its ok to feel this way, I’m sorry you’re in pain.
Use physical touch to soothe yourself – stroke the area of your body where you feel this; give yourself a hug.
If you find your focus moving towards your thoughts, bring yourself back to the physical sensation.
Note how this sensation changes, does it lessen? Does it melt away? Does it change?
When you feel ready, gradually let go, and gradually bring movement back into your body and connect to the here and now.
4. Mantra – You may also want to develop your own mantra you can use to soothe yourself; this should be something which is easy to remember, and feels soothing when you repeat it to yourself. Here’s some examples if you need some help.
I will get through this
I love and care for myself
I am good enough
I am safe and loved
This is temporary
I am strong and capable
Let me know how you find it.
Alex x